I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
