listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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