yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
