I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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