mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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