Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
