I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
