You don't have asthma, your pregnant
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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