Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
