You really coming over, don't trick.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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