the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
