Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
