we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
time to smoke my breakfast
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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