Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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