a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize