Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Is it because I queefed?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
