mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize