i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
