Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
