I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
