I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
