Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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