I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
