I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
