there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
