I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
