Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
