Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
