Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
