hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
