So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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