I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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