whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
