I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
