Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize