Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
