12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
