it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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