I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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