when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
