I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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