Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
