my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I AM VODKA MAN
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
