if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
