I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
