i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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