The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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