Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize