she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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