It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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