Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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