Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize