I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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