the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize