They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
