cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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