and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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