i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
