I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
