Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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