Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
