I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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