my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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