So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
