i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
