Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
