I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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