between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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