o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
