WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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