you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
