hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
