Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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